Ask Texas : Advice with a :)

Written by
Jhyanathan R. Dellaira

Dear Texas,
That Greg Baradziej really seems to love Led Zeppelin, What do you love?
-Jackie Rackme, Browns Mills New Jersey

Dear Jackie, I'll tell you what I love ............ Retarded friends of mine who pour their heart and soul into writing what they believe to be the greatest critique of a supposedly cherished song from his favorite band of all time, one of which he claims to be an expert and he bases it on telling the flow of the story through Robert Plants eyes, explaining every detail of the song how he thinks Robert wants it conveyed, from his heart to his pen to the paper to your ears to my ass! - Here's the problem, and one that makes him truely a Jackass - in his rush to lovingly craft his Robert Plant is the master story teller cum poet cum singer cum genious writer of all time letter - he left out one itzy, bitzy little point that brings his article to a crashing halt: Robert Johnson, Not Robert Plant, wrote the song. Yeah but he 'Fuckin Loves Led Zeppelin! .................. and I hate the French!

Dear Texas,
Up untill recently, my car has been running fine - but now it seams to have lost a little of its "zing". Do you have any tips for a novice, non-mechanical, white collar, hates to get get his hands dirty, but is also a cheap bastard, kind of guy. (ok, so I added the cheap bastard part - Tex :)

Ben Tilten, Atlanta Georgia

Dear Ben,
..........................fuckin Robert Johnson, Robert Plant that Idiot!...............Baradziej, I'll bet thats really a French last name, not Polish - although that would explain alot.................uhhh I'm sorry Ben, what was the question?

Dear Texas,
Oh ok sorry, I was saying my car isnt running like it used too, what is the easiest and cost effective way to restore its lost zing?

Dear Cheap Bastard, er ah Ben, sorry
Boy have I got a great little secret concoction that'll have your car running like a pig to the Bacon slaughter house! - you need to follow these directions to a tee and dont skip ahead, that would be cheating, and you know what happens to cheaters - thats right, they turn into French people, and nobody likes French people now do they. Ok lets get started: in a really expensive one of a kind bowl mix the following houshold items together: 1 lb of confectioners sugar, 1 lb of brown sugar, a Bottle of Karo syrup, 1 can of bacon lard, 13 tubes of Model airplane glue from Allied hobbies, copius amounts of sawdust, Drain-o, one 1lb can of red paint - alkid based preferred, 4 tubes of painter caulk, some FD&C yellow #5 (added to preserve color) one used car tire, a half-used bag of Plaster of Paris left over from your sisters 4th grade science project........ no wait scratch that, we dont want anything "French" touching your car! now do we?, and finally one pair of old, brown, leather shoes thrown in for good measure - Do you see where I'm going with this Ben, all these things have what in common? - They're all either extremely flamible or contain a huge amount of calories! - well except for the shoes but we need them for later. You need all that explosive power to get your engine really cooking! Now after you mix that mess er Marvel tonic up take it right over to your car - do not delay - pour it right into the gas tank, dont worry tiger, it wont harm the paint if you spill a little. Let it sit overnight. The next day go out to you car and try to start it like usuall - and boy will you be in for the biggest supprise of your life!. You really wont belive the difference. Dont worry, you'll thank me later and make sure you tell all of your friends to do the same thing to their cars................. oh yah what are the shoes for? - you'll figure it out - T! ex

Dear Tex
Hey, Frankie Jr. here and I have a question for Texas. It seems as of late, right, that my girlTammy has been laying her eyes on my best bud Joey, right and I'm wondering, right, if like, you know, um, maybe that the two of them, right, are kind of, sort of, you know, doin' it and stuff. How do I trap the bitch into confessin' to her illicit love affair? I mean, whenever she tells me she going to work, I call the Levittown Beauty Salon, but they tell me she aint there! What gives, Texas? 

Franky "Jr." Dale, Levittown Pa.

Dear Franky Jr.
"Whoa, you just watch yourself there Tiger or some Hot Shot Jap. pilot might come along and Fa-lame your ass!"  - Charlton Heston, Midway

Head the words of the mighty Heston!: Tami may not be the problem. Your life-long, sworn in blood in the front seat of your dads Trans-am up on cinder blocks on the front lawn of your Jubilee while smoking your first Newport and listening to Brittney Foxx when you were eleven friendship with Joey is whats at stake here. Dont under estimate your opponent - he knows your every trick. Theres a couple of things to consider here my white trash Romeo, A) {and this is the most critical} is Joey's mullett longer than yours. Is he in possesion of the classic S.T.L.B. (like you) or does he wear it like the more adventurous and dangerous D.J. hair. More important, does he let Tami cut it for him? Make this determination and you may get your answer without reading any further. 2) Is Joeys collection of well worn concert tee shirts - A. larger - B. more worn out and full of cigarette holes & oil stains - C. contain the n! early sacred, Holy Grail, golden cow for Levittown metalheadz & much sought after:Triumph - live in Detriot '81 tour shirt in the classic white sleave/black trunk motiff. And finally D) Is Joeys 1980 rust brown Monte Carlo w/ the THX1000 speakers on the rear package shelf, indeed faster than your 1978 camaro berlinetta with that much lauded "307 built in heaven". You must face him down on the parkway ......... tonight! You know the spot, right below Holly Hill. Tami will stand on the yellow line, and with the drop of her Parliment Menthol Light and the wave of her pink scarf, you will be off on the race of your life. Franky lets look at this objectively though: does it really matter who wins or looses - Remember you are the Prince of Levittown, Ace Check Cashings King Jerry Dales little kid, the women worship your father, use it to your advantage. You could always find another Tami. Oh I know the name may! not be the same but weather its a Theresa, Tina, Dawn, Annette, Francine, or even Lynne she'll still have big fake blond hair, two kids from other guys, drive a 1984 Cavelier and will be enrolled at the Levittown Beauty Academy. Franky, keep your Trans-am, Newport, Budwieser, 5-points, Cinderella,  friendship with Joey - its what's really important - Tex

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